Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I have solved the immigration problem

Yes, friends, it is true. The solution just occurred to me. It's so...simple.

We take all the money we waste enforcing laws that shouldn't exist (the aforementioned prostitution, anti-drug laws, and so on) and use it to fund our increased security on the borders. I know this sounds like the classic liberal throw-money-at-the-problem mentality, but it's money we're wasting anyway, right?

Anyway, that thought occurred to me while watching CNN tonight. There would obviously be nuances, but I'll just throw it out there. Somehow the briefest, most straightforward posts seem to catalyze the liveliest discussions.

Song lyric of the day:
"I've been waiting all this time
To be something I can't define
So let's cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something
I just gotta get myself over me"
- the Format, The First Single

Sunday, March 26, 2006

At the request of a bored man

Prostitution should be legal. It's a woman's right to do whatever she wants with her body, and that includes sell it as a commodity if she so desires. The same goes for male prostitutes. Discuss.

And after all the gloating...

...two of my Final Four teams lost last night, leaving me with only one team left in the best case. Oh well. He who flies highest falls farthest. Or something. I guess it's time to return to putting substantial things in this blog rather than using it for pure ego boosting.

Coming soon: more songs, some music related posts, and probably some political venting as usual.

Song lyric of the day:
"If you don?t bring up those lonely parts
This could be a good time
It's like learning a new language"
- Interpol, Leif Erikson

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I'm sorry, did I say half...

...because what I actually meant was 7 out of 8. That's right, 7 out of 8. I correctly guessed 7 of the elite 8 teams. I mean, honestly, how are people not e-bowing down before my awesomeness? Not to mention my modesty?

Song lyric of the day:
"Honey, I'm a prize
And you're a catch
And we're a perfect match"
- Pavement, Spit on a Stranger

(I've had that and Better Than Ezra's A Lifetime alternately stuck in my head the last three days. Non-stop. Seriously, I'm about to resort to desperate measures.)

Friday, March 24, 2006

Wait, wait, who has half the elite 8 right so far?

Oh yeah, that's right, it's me. Called UCLA, called LSU. Please leave comments in the form of praise for my sheer NCAA bracket prowess.

(And the first person who points out I had UNC winning it all will suffer some serious wrath. I haven't decided what yet, but it will be serious. And wrathful.)


Yes sports fans, it's time for another excuse for a song from my end. As yet, it's untitled, but I've toyed with several ideas for naming it, including "Power Outage", "Rainwalk", and "Beautiful Sadness". Suggestions and comments welcome, and expected. And please forgive the horrible pun in the second verse.

Incidentally, as I was working on this and another song that will hopefully also be posted soon, I realized this was now 6 songs about the same thing. I've decided that's enough, and the next song will close out the story (and be blatantly obvious in doing so). The songs show an interesting progression, I think, and maybe one day I'll put them all on an EP or something. Or maybe just purge them all from existence.

Anyway, without further ado about nothing...


The storm outside my window just blew out the power
And left me in the dark
Of my own personal cave where I sit alone with my memories
Like that day in the park

When we ran free and played hide and seek with the pillars
Of the fake Parthenon
And nearby the Greeks held dominion but we stood against them
Were we ever that strong?

I remember the night I took her out for coffee
So we stayed awake all night
And talked about music and poetry and dreams of the future
Knowing we'd be all right

And she laughed 'cause she thought I was trying to be funny
But I actually meant what I said
But I'd take it all back for one more chance to hold her
And rest safe in her bed

Then I turned away when I found out she fucked him
And she swore that it didn't mean nothing
But inside I screamed
So I laid down with the first girl who noticed me
Not surprised to find myself alone
When I woke from that dream

And I wonder
When it thunders
Will I ever find one like her again?
All my blunders
Torn asunder
By the one who will be my truest friend
As she's fading
I'm still waiting
For the chance that I finally won't fuck up
While berating
My old self for not being strong enough

So I ran down the stairs and forgot my umbrella
'Cause I needed to walk in the rain
And reflect on the things that I just couldn't tell her
'Til they drive me insane

And I looked to the sky and stared into eternity
It was beautiful and it was sad
Like these lives that we lead when we can't help but focus
On all we could have had

Sunday, March 19, 2006

A first look at the movie event of the summer

Yes, that's right. It's finally here. I know you, like myself, have been waiting with bated breath to get but one glimpse at this cinematic masterpiece. Well, may I present to you...

The Teaser Trailer for "Snakes on a Plane"!!!

I don't know what the rest of you thought of that, but personally, it's everything I dreamed it would be.

Coming soon: "Robot Laser Cats".

Saturday, March 18, 2006

My God, Sam Brownback is a moron

"Rape and incest are horrible crimes, but why punish the innocent child?" Yes, an elected public official said that. He's Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas, and he's a moron. He said that to Newsweek in response to South Dakota's recently-enacted law banning abortion except when the mother's life is in danger. Many Republicans seem concerned with the law because it lacks provisions for rape and incest. Obviously, Brownback is not.

So let's talk about that innocent child for a moment, Senator Moron. Let's trace the course of his life, shall we? When he's born, his mother looks upon her brand new baby and thinks to herself, "Oh great, now I have a constant reminder of that horrific moment from my past." Which is exactly what he will be to her. She suffers additional psychological damage as a result of having to see him every day and relive that terrible experience. The child, meanwhile, probably gets treated like shit as a result, and he grows up with a single parent who doesn't want him and neglects him. He too suffers psychological damage. Without a guiding force in his life, he probably turns to drugs or alcohol, maybe even crime. Or maybe he simply commits suicide.

Way to protect that innocent child, Senator. And congratulations on achieving official moron status.

I have to admit, this is pretty cool

Jeff points out in a comment to my previous post (which actually has nothing to do with the post itself) that apparently some guy posted a link to this blog, under the heading "oh, the freshness of common sense...!" This marks the first time (to my knowledge) that someone I have never directly communicated with has linked to this sad excuse for a blog. This is, in Jeff's words, "officially awesome".

I admit my initial reaction, though, was, "Uh oh, what did I write?" This was immediately followed by, "Honestly, I'm not sure." The list of links is titled, "ATHENS LINKS", so I wondered if I posted anything about the Olympics (which would admittedly be rather out of character). Looking back, it doesn't seem so. In fact, my recent posts have been by and large nonsensical. Hell, two of the last four were about Pearl Jam and "Tiny Toons". So I'm not sure whether the "common sense" descriptor is wholly accurate. Of course, it's entirely possible it's completely sarcastic in nature.

Either way, the pressure's on now. I have to live up to this "common sense" label, which is easier said than done. And I guess I also have to keep this blog fairly relevant and less totally pointless than recent posts.

So coming soon: a follow-up on dildos and more gratuitous use of the phrase "Moo on, chicken boy".

Song lyric of the day:
"Businessmen, they drink my wine
Plowmen dig my earth
None of them along the line
Know what any of it is worth"
- Bob Dylan, All Along the Watchtower (more famously played by Jimi Hendrix)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Isaac Hayes just lost some cool

Mike here, reporting only a few miles away from Clearwater, FL, a major scientology hub. I know admittedly very little about scientology, but it seems that many of its followers in Hollywood take it just a tad too seriously. First, there was Tom Cruise suddenly turning into a psycho. Though that was worth it just for Brooke Shields' classic burn, when she ventured to guess that "Mr. Cruise has never suffered from post-partem depression." That one still cracks me up.

Now there's Isaac Hayes, who according to CNN is now bowing out of "South Park" because of an episode about the "applied religious philosophy." He cites general religious intolerance, but "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone venture to guess the episode specifically about scientology was the catalyst. I saw the episode and don't particularly remember it, but the clip they show on CNN does suggest that it was rather biting.

But this is "South Park", for crying out loud. Its satire is always biting, but somehow I sense Parker and Stone's message was, as it generally is, that people should be allowed to do their own thing as long as they are willing to tolerate others' right to do their own thing. Am I the only one who has noticed that brilliantly subtle yet plain underlying thread to the show?

To give Hayes credit, something obviously struck a nerve, and it seems like both sides are handling the whole situation relatively tactfully. Still, in my mind Hayes has lost a little cool.

But ultimately, he will never completely lose his coolness just for that gloriously raunchy and unforgettable tune Shaft.

In other unrelated entertainment news, Jay Leno remains a class act.

Song lyric of the day:
"Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
You're damn right"
- Isaac Hayes, Shaft

Monday, March 13, 2006

As usual, thank you, Leonard

The indispensable Leonard Pitts has once again written an article that articulates pretty much what I've been saying much more inarticulately for a long time. This time, he highlights that, as much as so many of us may like Barack Obama, we need to stop counting on him as the savior of a failing party, or a struggling nation. He may be the future, but we need to look to the present.

This article may contain my favorite Pitts line ever: "[Republicans] know how to package [their platform] in the simplest, most attractive way: traditional values; fighting terrorism; tax relief.

"Granted, some of us think it would be more accurate to describe the foregoing in terms somewhat less simple and attractive: turning back the calendar on the non-white, non-male, non-Christian and non-heterosexual; lying and bungling our way into and through a war that does nothing to make us safer from terrorism; running up a massive deficit while spending with all the judicious restraint of a 10-year-old in a candy store."

Thanks as always, Leonard, for providing a voice of sanity in mainstream media, and mainstream America.

Song lyric of the day:
"Fail with consequence
Lose with elequence and smile
I'm not in this movie
I'm not in this song"
- the Notwist, Consequence

Friday, March 10, 2006

Oh, and other big news

Pearl Jam's first single from their upcoming album is out. I have the MP3 if anyone wants it. (Hat tip: Aaron).

Song lyric of the day #2:
"Medals on a wooden mantle
Next to a handsome face
That the President took for granted
Writing checks that others pay"
- Pearl Jam, World Wide Suicide

On the lighter side...

A pair of quotation marks sparked a minor debate on my previous post about the Tennessee anti-dildo law.

So if a discussion of sex toys isn't light enough, I wanted to let my readers know that I woke up this morning with the "Tiny Toon Adventures" theme song stuck in my head.

That's all.

Song lyric of the day:
"We're tiny, we're toony
We're all a little loony
And in this cartoony
We're invading your TV!"
- the "Tiny Toon Adventures" theme song

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Battery sales are going to plummet...

From he who calls himself the "other white meat" comes a link to a shocking story out of Tennessee.

Yes friends, it seems the state that has both the most churches and the most adult stores per capita is trying to eliminate the latter by first eliminating that ever-present threat to national security, dildos.

Hmmm, let's see, last time I checked, we're engaged in a "war" in Iraq with no end in sight; we have a ginormous budget deficit, a failing education system, a non-living minimum wage, a problem with illegal immigration; we're continually losing business to overseas competitors; millions of citizens are unable to get much-needed health care; indicted politicians continue to experience popular support; and to top it off, our executive seems to think he can do basically anything in the name of national security, including ignoring certain federal laws.

But, in spite of all these issues, apparently state senator Charlotte Burks and representative Eric Swafford are laying awake nights because some woman, somewhere, might be getting off using a plastic phallus. Well, if nothing else, maybe this ridiculous law will help them sleep better.

In conclusion, as the "other white meat" said, "What next, are they gonna outlaw showerheads?" (groan)

Today's song lyric, from a classic 80s song about masturbation, is oddly appropriate, in a really scary sort of way.

Song lyric of the day:
"I can't stop messin' with the danger zone
Hey, I won't worry, and I won't fret
Ain't no law against it yet"
- Cyndi Lauper, She Bop

(Sorry, Cyndi, guess you gotta stay outta Tennessee from now on.)

(And that's the last time I will quote or refer to Cyndi Lauper in this blog.)

Friday, March 03, 2006

It's that time again! 2006 Oscar predictions...

First off, okay, I admit that between a long day at work and a certain very large and obvious soft spot for our men and women in uniform, my post yesterday evening may have been harsher than it needed to be. As Bob and who I can only assume is the ubiquitous "other white meat" pointed out, there is a certain need for lack of distractions on the battlefield. I'm torn on the issue, but stand by my concern for the basic freedoms of our soldiers. Though the latter comment makes me wonder if all the lyrics pages for Dispatch's The General have been blocked...

Now, on to more important, by which I mean less important but perhaps more interesting, things: my 2006 Oscar picks. This will follow the format of my picks for last year, with my guess as to who will win, followed by my opinion on who should win. There were no glaring omissions this year in the major categories, unlike last year's snubbing of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", so I will keep my choices within the confines of the nominees, unlike last year:

Best Original Screenplay:
What should win: "Match Point". Usually this one is more clear cut for me, but nothing really stood out like "Eternal Sunshine" last year. I'm going with "Match Point" just because the writing stuck out for me more with it than the others I've seen.
What will win: Wild guess, as I honestly have no clue: "Syriana"

Best Adapted Screenplay:
What should win: "Brokeback Mountain". To adapt a short story into a screenplay with this amount of depth of character and emotion is quite a feat.
What will win: "Brokeback Mountain".

Best Supporting Actor:
Who should win: Hard to decide between Jake Gyllenhaal and Matt Dillon, who both did fantastic jobs. I have to go with Gyllenhaal, because his role was bigger and showcased him more. (Also, he did a great job in "Jarhead" as well -- not that that matters.)
Who will win: Dillon. Just a gut feeling.

Best Supporting Actress:
Who should win: I hear most people say Amy Adams, but I haven't seen "Junebug" yet. I have to go with Rachel Weisz, who I've liked for a long time, but I'd be just as happy with Michelle Williams.
Who will win: Williams.

Best Actor:
Who should win: I really liked Heath Ledger in "Brokeback", and Terence Howard in "Hustle & Flow", and David Straithairn in "Good Night, and Good Luck", but ultimately I've gotta give it to Joaquin Phoenix for his dead-on portrayal of Johnny Cash.
Who will win: Philip Seymour Hoffman, which will likely also be my "should" answer once I see "Capote". And frankly, it's about time Hoffman got recognized for his work.

Best Actress:
Who should win: Reese Witherspoon's funny and sad portrayal of June Carter was great, and should be hard to beat.
Who will win: Witherspoon.

Best Director:
Who should win: Tough call between Ang Lee and Steven Spielberg. "Brokeback" was beautifully shot, but I have to go Spielberg just for the wonderful grittiness and scope of "Munich"
Who will win: Ang Lee.

Best Picture:
Who should win: "Brokeback Mountain" was a wonderful story with superb acting and directing, but I've gotta give this one to "Crash" for its many nuanced characters and interlocking storylines as well as its ability to provoke thought and introspection.
Who will win: "Brokeback Mountain".

Given last year's success, these picks should all be taken with a grain of salt. Make that several grains. Hell, just empty the shaker.

Song lyric of the day:
"And it goes fast
You think of the past
And suddenly everything has changed"
- the Flaming Lips, Suddenly Everything Has Changed

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Our servicemen deserve better than this fascism

That's right. You heard me.

A post earlier today from Jeff pointed to a website called Wonkette, which points out that, apparently, Marines are not allowed access to certain websites. Specifically, these websites include some personal email sites and sites that may embrace opinions contrary to those the government wants you to have.

Whoever is responsible for this, I have a message: "Fuck you." I'm done with eloquence (granted, I'm not sure I ever had any to begin with). Seriously: this is fascism. There is no other way to describe it.

What was it Van Halen said in the Right Now video? Oh yeah: "Right now our government is doing things we think only other countries do." Apparently that includes this. Blocking access to certain websites is exactly what they do in the countries we claim to want to spread democracy in. It sounds like something Hussein would have done.

My network activity this evening consisted of checking email and surfing friends blogs. I have the freedom to do so because there are people who put on uniforms and put their lives on the line to protect this country. They don't have the freedom to do so because, well, I'm not entirely sure why.

Our brave servicemen and women are fighting for democracy while toiling under fascism. That isn't right, and it needs to end.

A small change

As some of you may have noticed (assuming anyone reads this blog besides me), I finally decided to get rid of HaloScan comments in exchange for those provided by Blogger. I initially used HaloScan because when I started this blog, Blogger did not provide their own commenting (or if they did, I was somehow unaware of it), and Jacob suggested HaloScan as a commenting engine. After I noticed some friends using Blogger's commenting scheme, which I liked better anyway, I contemplated the switch, but was frankly too lazy/apathetic to change it. However, noting that HaloScan only stores a certain number of comments, I finally made the switch yesterday.

All of this is probably completely uninteresting to anyone, but I needed a post for today. I'm still curious as to responses to what other people consider their "good mood" music (i.e. music that puts them in a good mood) that I alluded to a few posts back. Bob, in the last HaloScan comment I received, suggested anything off Billy Joel's Greatest Hits Volumes 1 and 2, specifically New York State of Mind and (chuckle) Uptown Girl. To which I would add Piano Man. What else?

Song lyric of the day:
"An ordinary girl
An ordinary waist
But ordinary's just not good enough today"
- Our Lady Peace, Superman's Dead

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

This lady is definitely on 'roids

I mean seriously, look at her. Can you possibly get that muscular without some kind of steroid?

What's that, you say? That's no woman? That's BARRY BONDS?!?!

Oh well, I stand by my statement.

(Read the ESPN article here. And actually, I think this is awesome and applaud Barry for having a sense of humor. But seriously, steroids.)

Geek humor that's not just for the geeks

Check out this picture (you may need to load it in a separate window to read the caption):

I got it in an email along with the statement, "The engineers at RAND corporation obviously had not heard of Moore's Law." Which is really amusing.

Honestly, can you imagine anyone wanting that thing in their house? Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

Song lyric of the day:
"They're waiting for your guard to fall
So they can see it all
And you're so occupied with what other people are occupied with
And vice versa
And you've become what you thought was dumb:
A fraction of the sum"
- Built to Spill, Carry the Zero