Quote of the week

"I'd rather have a tax-and-spend Democrat than a print-and-spend Republican." - my colleague Kris. Not sure I necessarily agree, but I still like it.

Also, a brief response to David Ignatius: No. Next question.

Song lyric of the day:
"Skeletons ain’t got nowhere to stick their money
Nobody makes britches that size"
- Drive-By Truckers, A Ghost to Most

Return to primaries

Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary yesterday by a ten-percent margin.

Yawn.

Okay, I predicted eight percent, but primarily just to be different. Hehe, get it? Primarily? I kill me.

"Tide is turning" my ass. Things are exactly the same as they were based on polls from a month ago. Yippee ki-yay. Dance a jig, Hillary. You were the fourth best Democratic candidate five months ago (behind Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, and Joe Biden) and you managed to still be around. Over six weeks, you changed the minds of a slight majority of the 1% of votes that hadn't made up their minds six weeks ago. Want a cookie?

Here's how I'm predicting this whole thing plays out at the moment: by June, enough superdelegates have decided to end this fiasco and handed Obama the narrow victory. He chooses Bill Richardson as his running mate, thus securing New Mexico; McCain goes with Governor Charlie Crist, thus securing Florida. McCain subsequently coasts to the White House with 52-54% of the vote but only stays for one term. Senator Clinton gets a little revenge by attempting to capitalize on the "buyer's remorse" of the Democratic voters and easily secures the 2012 nomination. To promptly get annihilated 60-40 by whoever the new Republican nominee is. (Of course, we all know how well my predictions generally turn out.)

Oh well, it doesn't matter to me. Based on recent enlightening information from Zhubin, I think I'm officially voting third party. By which I mean anybody who has never been associated with WWE Raw.

Song lyric of the day:
"Knowing if she'll just admit one revealing detail
She can't hide her state of mind behind
She sits down
No one knows the world is upside-down
Watches how it spins around"
- Yo La Tengo, Upside-Down

Last night's Democratic debate

Okay, did anyone else actually manage to make it through the debate last night? I looked at the clock, saw it was 8:30, and briefly reflected on the fact that the only things that had been discussed were bittergate, Wrightgate, snipergate, and Hillary Clinton apparently telling Bill Richardson that Obama can't win against McCain (admittedly it was a little fun watching George Steph-etc. trap Clinton into saying that yes, Obama could in fact win, even after she tried to dodge it). Then I turned off the television.

Sure, I'm as entertained as the next fellow by the farce known as our electoral process, but eventually enough is enough. Can we fast-forward to November already?

Song lyric of the day:
"One by one, ticking time bombs won
It's not the secret of the government that's keeping you dumb"
- the Strokes, The End Has No End

Insomniacs rejoice...

...for Coldplay is coming to the rescue!

Honestly, the aspect of the findings that surprise me is not that Coldplay is the number one band to fall asleep to, but rather that Take That is not only still around, but that enough people (in Britain at least) know/remember who Take That is/was for them to place in the Top Five of this poll.

Random question to my readership (and answer before reading the Song Lyric of the Day, which will likely jog your memory): have any of you actually heard of Take That?

(Hat tip to Pitchfork for the Coldplay article.)

Song lyric of the day:
"Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good"
- Take That, Back For Good

A humor article six years in the making

It may be a sign of how sick and twisted I am, but the first thing I thought of when I saw this news was that The Slant could finally publish the anticipatory Other News idea I submitted back in 2002, entitled, "Heston Cold, Dead, Still Won't Let Go of Gun".

So if any of my readers are still in touch with any editors of the little humor paper that could (and I assume still does, even though they haven't updated that shitty ugly-ass new website in six months), please inform them of this article's existence so that it may finally see the daylight I feel it deserves. (Somehow, I get the feeling that this blog is the most exposure it will receive until The Onion has the exact same idea.)

Song lyric of the day:
"If the storm doesn't kill me the government will
I've got to get that out of my head"
- R.E.M., Houston

Why the Senate should be entirely Jewish

...because then we could get rid of all the pork! Haha! Zing!

Apparently, a group called Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW = worst acronym ever?) has released a 59-page "Pig Book" detailing the pork-barrel spending projects approved by the U.S. Senate, which total $17.2 billion. With a "B".

Cringe-worthy points of interest: the top three pork-spenders were Republican (which may surprise my friends who vote Republican because they call themselves "conservative"); Hillary is number 13 on the list, which is not surprising, and Obama is number 69, which is just hilarious; and kudos to John McCain, who if he's smart will use the fact that he was not cited for a single wasted dime to his advantage in the upcoming election.

But so yeah, Congress, any time you want to stop wasting our damn money while deficit spending us into oblivion, I got your back.

(Hat tip: FARK.com, which I visit way more often at work than I should.)

Song lyric of the day:
"Oh, this time I really trust you
But it can't belong to anyone
And I'd be so sad if I lost it"
- Guided by Voices, Sad If I Lost It