An announcement
In the spirit of my friend and colleague Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack*, I would like to officially announce my candidacy for the office of Cookie Recipient for the year 2006. (Pause for applause. In the likely event that none occurs, wait for the token distant cough before continuing.)
I recognize that this will be an uphill battle, but anyone who has followed my career knows I have a history of longshot victories. When I entered the Mr. Universe competition in 2003, no one gave me a chance, but I proved them wrong finishing 5,493rd out of 5,494, instead of the predicted last. Once again, I am faced with hefty competition; my opponents are worthy, but I shall prevail. Let not my modesty fool you, I am way way way better than them.
Of course, I know all the voters out there are curious as to what my plan is to earn my victory. Well, I assure both my supporter and detractors that I do have a plan, but I will not be rushed into revealing the specifics. Nay, it shall be unveiled in the new year, under the tentative title, "The New Way For Mike to Get Cookies".
Okay, you twisted my arm. There are several steps to my plan for victory. First, I shall relate the amusing story of having to awkwardly explain to a 40-year-old co-worker why I found it so funny that one of the members of a televised panel on abortion and pregnancy was named April Hymen (I shittest thee not). Second, I will reveal my long-awaited dissertation on the many indispensable uses of the word "kumquat", particularly as it relates to current situation in the Middle East. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I will eschew a negative campaign in favor of a slew of "that's what she said"s. Sarcasm will also likely be prevalent.
The blogosphere needs a Cookie Recipient who is bold and assertive. As your Cookie Recipient, I will push for a timetable for withdrawal. ("That's what she said.") I will stimulate growth in the market ("that's what she said"). I will take things as they come, and when needed, I will take charge, get right on top of things, and make sure we all arrive at a satisfying conclusion ("that's what she said"). And when a joke gets old and increasingly forced, "stay the course" will not be my policy. ("That's what... oh, wait. Damn.")
Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you the American dream is alive and well. Only in a country as wonderful as ours can any man rise above the cookieless stratum into which he is born to new confectionary heights. Through hard work, sacrifice, and untraceable cash bribes, we can create better, more corpulent lives for our children.
As my manifesto is coming to a close, I should probably offer the confused among you, a.k.a. all of you except for this guy, a link explaining (sort of) what the crap I'm talking about.
In conclusion, Goth Pigeons. God bless you, and God bless America!
* Note: Technically speaking, Governor Vilsack and I are neither friends nor colleagues. But I know a girl who lives in Iowa, and I watched "Field of Dreams", and dammit, that should count for something.
I recognize that this will be an uphill battle, but anyone who has followed my career knows I have a history of longshot victories. When I entered the Mr. Universe competition in 2003, no one gave me a chance, but I proved them wrong finishing 5,493rd out of 5,494, instead of the predicted last. Once again, I am faced with hefty competition; my opponents are worthy, but I shall prevail. Let not my modesty fool you, I am way way way better than them.
Of course, I know all the voters out there are curious as to what my plan is to earn my victory. Well, I assure both my supporter and detractors that I do have a plan, but I will not be rushed into revealing the specifics. Nay, it shall be unveiled in the new year, under the tentative title, "The New Way For Mike to Get Cookies".
Okay, you twisted my arm. There are several steps to my plan for victory. First, I shall relate the amusing story of having to awkwardly explain to a 40-year-old co-worker why I found it so funny that one of the members of a televised panel on abortion and pregnancy was named April Hymen (I shittest thee not). Second, I will reveal my long-awaited dissertation on the many indispensable uses of the word "kumquat", particularly as it relates to current situation in the Middle East. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I will eschew a negative campaign in favor of a slew of "that's what she said"s. Sarcasm will also likely be prevalent.
The blogosphere needs a Cookie Recipient who is bold and assertive. As your Cookie Recipient, I will push for a timetable for withdrawal. ("That's what she said.") I will stimulate growth in the market ("that's what she said"). I will take things as they come, and when needed, I will take charge, get right on top of things, and make sure we all arrive at a satisfying conclusion ("that's what she said"). And when a joke gets old and increasingly forced, "stay the course" will not be my policy. ("That's what... oh, wait. Damn.")
Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you the American dream is alive and well. Only in a country as wonderful as ours can any man rise above the cookieless stratum into which he is born to new confectionary heights. Through hard work, sacrifice, and untraceable cash bribes, we can create better, more corpulent lives for our children.
As my manifesto is coming to a close, I should probably offer the confused among you, a.k.a. all of you except for this guy, a link explaining (sort of) what the crap I'm talking about.
In conclusion, Goth Pigeons. God bless you, and God bless America!
* Note: Technically speaking, Governor Vilsack and I are neither friends nor colleagues. But I know a girl who lives in Iowa, and I watched "Field of Dreams", and dammit, that should count for something.
1 Comments:
Mike Mott is unfit for the position of Cookie Recipient. He has routinely eschewed chocolate chip cookies in favor of the macadamia nut variety. Macadamia nuts! Not good, old-fashioned American chocolate chip cookies wrapped in American flag icing! Why does Mike Mott hate America?
Wait, most chocolate is from the Ivory Coast and macadamia nuts are from Hawaii? Oh. Well... he's anti-globalization!
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